Sometimes, I wonder what impact my life has made on others. If I died, would anybody notice? Would my absence create absence within themselves? Have I made a difference?
When an event occurs, it inevitably sets off a chain reaction. I often wonder what that chain reaction would look like and who would be affected by it. I realize this the most impossible of tasks, yet, it plagues my mind.
While I will never know every reaction to my action, there is at least one thing I know for sure: we are all linked together and each decision made affects another. In the end, perhaps, we are all just ripples in a pond or mere, threads in the web of life .
I’m going through too much at the moment. Court. Seclusion. Pain. Stress. Loneliness. I feel as if the whole world is just crashing down on me. Can we say Sisyphus?
I find it funny that so many people are so up in arms about the Casey Anthony verdict. Were they in trial? Did they hear all of the evidence? What happened to innocent until proven guilty, instead of guilty until proven innocent, or innocent unless you can pay for bail- and guilty otherwise?
The media sees a single mother, who likes to party, likes sex and all of a sudden that makes her a murderer? I remember when they said that because she had a picture of a skull and crossbones as her computer wallpaper- that clearly meant she was a murderer. If that were the case, I must be some sort of serial killer, with this blog of mine.
People only want to believe in the system when it does what they want it to do. I’m not saying she did it, or didn’t- but how is it that so many people latch on to this story, this sensationalist bullshit, and determine a person’s innocence or guilt with no evidence whatsoever? Our reactions to this sort of event, are much more revealing about us, as a society, than of her.
All snotty and gross from a cold. I’ve been getting sick a lot lately, which is strange for me. I’ve also been a bit lonely, and would like some company in this dungeon of mine, but alas- that’s what you all are here for right? Someone want to bring me some veggie soup and a heating blanket? I’ll thrill you with my amazing conversational skills and voilent fits of coughing. No takers? What a pity.
July 26th- It’s hard for me to keep a journal. It’s hard for me to express my feelings to others. Usually when I write something it’s an empty shell of what I really want to say/ how I really feel. I’ve just been disappointed too many times to let others know how I really feel…to let others in.
On a lighter note, (aka: a non-personal/invasive one) I discovered The Guild today, a webseries on youtube about a group of gamers. Truly hilarious. Then for some reason, I looked up what Wil Wheaton has been up to (because yes, I’m random and a complete nerd) and was directed to his blog. After being slightly stalkerish and reading many entries, I must say, that I have a bit of a nerd-crush on the Wilmeister. He’s just so honest, no pretenses. While everyone in the fucking universe is posting Tom Felton pics (Get off my dashboard Draco!) , I my dears, still have my sights on Wesley Crusher. Engage!
August 22nd- My nightmare seems to be coming to a close. Court has finally concluded.
I have been to hell and back these past few years. Between having a painful ovarian operation, having to learn how to walk all over again, getting roofied and temporarily paralyzed in college, getting attacked in DC, my life-threatening car accident (a deer jumped through my windshield and it’s antlers impaled me through the neck), getting a preliminary protection order against my severely abusive mother, then a final one, then living through appeal after appeal, trial upon trial, helping my father through his divorce ( which has just recently come to a close), having no friends, or relationships of any success, I’ve felt like my life has been nothing but bad fortune and misery. I have been through so much and was forced to make a choice: to give up or to be made into a survivor. I chose the latter.
I never talk to anyone about the things that I have been through because I feel like if I do- it will just come cascading out and I won’t be able to stop it. I’m afraid that I wont be able to hold anything in anymore, that I will just erupt into some sort of horrible volcano of emotion that will no longer be able to be suppressed.
From a young age, I’ve always been the outsider. The black sheep. The strange girl who would memorize things to talk about just to inevitably sit in the corner at dances or parties, trying to look comfortable examining a potted plant. I retreated into myself, devoting my time to books, painting and music because those things will never let you down, mislead you or hurt you. My whole life, my mother would lock me in my room, hurt me, scream at me everyday, if she ever did buy me clothing- she would buy it two sizes to small just so that she could call me fat and ugly and say that no one would ever want or love me. After awhile, you believe it. You believe that you are worthless, and even to this day it affects my relationships with other people.
I never express emotionally that I always feel inadequate and abnormal. That when people compliment me, I automatically recoil and assume that they are “just trying to be nice”. That when someone calls me beautiful or talented, I think that they are lying.
I am broken, but hopefully with time and a little luck on my side I will slowly begin to pick up the pieces of my shattered existence and glue myself back together.
Here’s to hoping.